Andrew Hawkins, reporting for The Verge:

Tesla CEO Elon Musk unveiled a new electric vehicle dedicated to self-driving, a possible milestone after years of false promises and blown deadlines.

The robotaxi is a purpose-built autonomous vehicle, lacking a steering wheel or pedals, meaning it will need approval from regulators before going into production. The design was futuristic, with doors that open upward like butterfly wings and a small cabin with only enough space for two passengers. There was no steering wheel or pedals, nor was there a plug — Musk said the vehicle charges inductively to regain power wirelessly…

Tesla plans to launch fully autonomous driving in Texas and California next year, with the Cybercab production by 2026 — although he said it could be as late as 2027. Additionally, Tesla is developing the Optimus robot, which could be available for $20,000-$30,000, and is capable of performing various tasks.

Tesla’s event began about an hour late, though part of that can be attributed to a medical emergency at the site of the event: the Warner Bros. film studio in Los Angeles. Either way, the delay is par for the course for Tesla or any of Musk’s companies, for that matter. When it eventually did begin, a lengthy disclaimer was read aloud and displayed: “Statements made in this presentation are forward-looking,” the disclaimer read, warning investors that none of what Musk was about to say should be taken at face value. Nice save, Tesla Investor Relations.

The Cybercab, as Musk referred to it onstage — its name is unknown; he also called it a robotaxi and Tesla’s website seems to say the same — is a new vehicle and what was purported to be the steering wheel-less “Model 2” many years ago. For all we know, the Cybercab isn’t actually in production; Musk says it’ll begin production in 2027, as Hawkins writes. I don’t buy that timeline one bit, especially since he gave no details on seating capacity, range, cargo space, or any other features besides a bogus price: “below” $30,000. Musk also gave a similar price estimate for both the Cybertruck and Model 3, and neither of those cars has actually been offered at Musk’s initial pricing. This car, at a bare minimum, if it ever ships, will cost $45,000. It really does seem like an advanced piece of kit.

The Cybercab has two marquee features, aside from the lack of a steering wheel and pedals, both of which are decisions subject to regulatory approval (I don’t think any government is approving a car without basic driving instruments until at least 2035): gull-wing doors and inductive charging. First, the doors: Tesla has a weird obsession with making impractical products that nobody actually wants, and the doors on this concept vehicle are no exception. I understood the falcon-wing doors when they first were introduced in the Model X, but these doors seem like they use a lot of both horizontal and vertical space, making them terrible for tight parking spaces or roads, such as on the streets of Manhattan. As for the inductive charging coil, that’s all Musk said. There’s no charging port on this vehicle at all — not even for emergencies — which seems like a boneheaded design move.

The features truly aren’t worth talking about here because they’re essentially pulled out of Musk’s noggin at his own whim. It doesn’t even seem like he has a script to go by at these events — either that, or he’s a terrible reader. This car won’t ship (a) until 2030, (b) at anything lower than $40,000 in 2030 money, and (c) in the form that it was presented on Thursday. This vehicle is ridiculous and doesn’t stand a chance at regulatory approval. There’s no way to control it if the computer crashes or breaks — no way; none. This is not a vehicle — it’s a toy preprogrammed to drive event attendees along a predefined route in Warner Bros.’s parking lot. I guarantee you there isn’t a single ounce of new autonomous technology in the demonstration cars; it’s just Full Self-Driving. What we saw on Thursday was nothing more than a Model Y hiding in an impractical chassis. It has no side mirrors, no door handles, and probably not even a functioning tailgate or front trunk.

Musk went on a diatribe about how modern vehicular transportation is impractical, defining it as having three main, distinct issues:

  • It costs too much.
  • It’s not safe.
  • It’s not sustainable.

Here’s the thing about Musk’s claims: they’re entirely correct. Cars are cost-prohibitive, unsafe when driven by people, and internal combustion vehicles are terrible for the environment, even despite what Musk’s new best buddy, former President Donald Trump, says. (He also said he’d ban autonomous vehicles if re-elected to a second term, which I’m sure Musk isn’t perturbed about at all.) But Musk’s plan doesn’t alleviate any of these issues: affordable, clean public transportation like in other civilized countries does, though. Europe is filled with modern, fast, and cheap trains that zip Europeans from country to country — without even a passport, thanks to the Schengen Area — and city to city. But Musk talked down the Californian government a decade ago to prevent the construction of a high-speed rail line from San Francisco to Los Angeles, instead pitching his failed tunnel project. Now, he’s peddling autonomous vehicles to solve the world’s traffic woes.

Musk is a genuinely incompetent businessman and marketer, but that also wasn’t the point of Thursday’s nothingburger event — rather, the lack of details was more noteworthy. I ignored every one of his sales pitches for why people should buy a $30,000 Tesla and rent it out to strangers, a business he positioned akin to Uber but without any specifics on how people would rent Cybercabs, how owners would be paid, how much they’d be paid, or if Tesla would run a service like this itself, akin to Waymo. The real problem was that Musk’s event was shockingly scant in details, even by Tesla standards. Thursday’s event wasn’t even the faintest of beginnings of a Tesla competitor to Waymo or even Cruise, which is getting back up on its feet in Phoenix after nearly murdering a woman on the streets of San Francisco and then covering up the evidence. (Yikes.) Tesla doesn’t have a functional, street-ready self-driving vehicle, a plan for people to buy and rent one out, a business to run a taxicab business of its own, or even specifics on the next generation of Full Self-Driving Musk touted as coming in 2025 to existing vehicles, which allegedly enables the Cybercab’s functionality for current Tesla models. (We don’t even know if that’s true or just a slip of the tongue.)

Rather, Musk tried to distract the crowd by unveiling a 20-seater bus called the Robovan that looks like a light-up toaster oven — and that also isn’t street-legal — and the newest edition of its Optimus humanoid robot, which prepared drinks for the night’s attendees. Neither of these products will ever exist, and if I’m wrong I’ll eat my hat. This is all just a bunch of pump-up-the-stocks gimmickry and anyone who falls for it is a moron. Meta’s Orion demonstration was saner than this, and that’s saying something. Musk presented his company’s latest innovations — which almost certainly don’t actually exist yet — in a perfectly Trumpian way: Fake it until you make it. Musk still hasn’t shipped the version of Full Self-Driving he sold seven years ago, nor the Tesla Roadster he took $250,000 payments for in 2017. Tesla is fundamentally scamming customers and Thursday’s event was the latest iteration of kicking the scam can down the road before it gets sued eventually.